The Pilgrim's Progress Reloaded by David Umstattd

Author:David Umstattd [Umstattd, David]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Flintlock Publishing
Published: 2024-03-29T00:00:00+00:00

STAGE 12

ZUKO’S QUEST

Christian stared. Then stared again. Yes. Truth was riding the motorcycle. He couldn’t believe it. Her hair was all ratted and crazy like she had purposely messed it up to get attention. Her schoolgirl uniform was replaced with black leather. She had a bunch of piercings in her ears. The other riders of various ages had dark sunglasses, long beards and obviously temporary tattoos.

“Yeah, that’s right,” one of the bikers yelled in thick slang. “We’re here now. What are you going to do about it?”

They went circling around one of the pilgrims in the chamber, jeering and swinging chains in the air.

“You call yourself a real pilgrim?” the lead biker yelled.

“Yeah,” another biker said. “You’re just a lazy half-baked pilgrim who hides in your palace and preaches false doctrine.”

“Yeah, false doctrine,” Truth said. “That mess is straight crazy, bro.”

“Straight crazy,” a biker echoed.

Christian approached the circling bikers. “Hey! Leave that pilgrim alone. He hasn’t done anything to you.”

“We won’t hurt him,” the lead biker said. Christian guessed he was the lead biker as he had the longest beard.

“Yeah! Who do you think we are?” shouted another biker.

“Yeah,” Truth said. “We ain’t gonna ice no squares. We’re the elect. You know what that means, punks? Means we’re predestined to wreck face and spray mace. You know what I’m saying . . . uh . . . Ace?”

“Truth, what the four-letter word?” Christian stepped into the path of the bikers but they just went around. The other pilgrim saw how slowly the bikers were driving and ran off. The bikers diverted their attention toward Christian.

“Run off, little heretic,” the lead biker yelled. “You can’t resist what’s irresistible.”

“That’s right!” Another biker did a high five while circling.

“Truth, snap out of it.” Christian ran after Truth’s motorcycle. “Who are these guys?”

“These are my new crew,” Truth said. The sound of her atrocious attempt to emulate the biker’s accent caused Christian’s ears physical pain.

“They’re correct. And they care about me. Unlike that Platitude Platypus. They won’t let people spit false theology without spitting fire back.”

“Truth be straight dope, boys,” the lead biker yelled. The other bikers gave more cries of approval and some started chanting, “Truth. Truth. Truth.”

Christian looked from Truth to the bikers and back. “And these people are . . . who, exactly?”

Truth dropped her accent. “I think the author is using this opportunity to criticize any agonistical theologians and isn’t brave enough to call out any specific denomination as he wants to avoid controversy.”

“We’re the Calvinists,” the lead biker said. “And we don’t care who knows it.”

“Oh.” Truth showed a twinge of surprise. “Never mind then.”

The Calvinists gave more shouts of affirmation. Truth smiled, tried to do a gang sign, and almost fell off her motorcycle.

“Do they have to be so destructive?” Christian said. “This can’t be helpful for these pilgrims.” He motioned to the pilgrims at the edges of the room, cowering from the bikers.

“Man, we don’t care about those silly consequences,” the lead Calvinist said. “Overseer be in control.

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